2019 feels like 10 years all crammed into one. It feels like a million miracles and a thousand victories. 2019 met me after maybe the hardest and most devastating of seasons in my life. I honestly didn't have much hope for its journey.
But God.
He came. He healed. He restored.
All his promises, truths, love and grace came and found me and put me back together again. I am thankful he let me fall. I am more thankful he picked me up and held me close.
This year taught me so much about myself. It taught me that I am weak. I am frail. I am not the hero of my story. I am not the warrior.
He is.
I am helpless to save myself from my condition. This year taught me even more about God. He is better than I ever knew or believed. I thought surely pain, grief , and sorrow would devour me in the night. But it turned out, that night just strengthened my faith. It grew it so big and so tall that I wasn't afraid of the dark anymore. It quite literally lost its hold on me.
He is better.
He is stronger.
All sadness, sorrow, grief, depression, anger, and doubt bow to him.
He wins.
He won in 2019 and aside from salvation, iv'e never been more thankful for anything under the sun. I was a wreck, and might still be, but he is alive in me. He has stood at the threshold between me and my sin whispering, “i'm better’’ “i'm worth the cost”.
This year didn't take away doubt and pain and frustration. Those things are still running around in my mind, but they now bow to the truth that Jesus is better. He is worth it. He will conquer. Now on my saddest days, I remember these truths. I know these are more sure than the breath in my lungs. I know he is more alive than any ache in my heart or fear in my mind.
He is mighty to save, and that he did for me this year. 2019 has an overwhelming theme of thankfulness. I am so thankful he did not let me go. I am so thankful he closed doors and opened others. I am so thankful for a God that saves me from myself and what I think I want.
I am thankful that every sad thought or memory is met with his love and his voice reminding me to trust him and that he can do so much better for me than I can for myself. I am thankful that he has reminded my heart over and over of Isaiah 46:4:
“I have made you
I will carry you
I will sustain you
I will rescue you.”
I now wear this verse on a necklace around my neck. Bound around my neck and written deep within my heart, it will stay.
The fight is still strong for Jesus to be Lord of my life, but I am committed. And honestly, I didn't know he had it in him to make me the person I am today. I am not the same as I was this time last year and for that, again, I am so very thankful.
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