It has been a long, hard, brutal season. Even as I write this, it's hard to believe as they just keep rolling over like ocean waves. One subsides and another crashes overhead.
Last night I laid my head down on my pillow and my heart was racing and heavy. I can’t quite articulate what has come to pass in the past 6 months, but it has pushed and pulled, tugged and torn away at something in me. It has taken a confidence that came natural, thrown it on the sidewalk and stomped it over and over. Loss is part of life but still a bitter pill. Knowing it is sure doesn't make it welcome.
I have lost a lot lately. I have lost money, time, friendships, but perhaps most painful of all, trust.
I already struggle to trust people, maybe we all do, but the past few months have burrowed in me an even stronger sense of loneliness that comes from loss of trust. I have watched people do hurtful and unethical things to others, and I have had them done to me. It has left me wondering, “does anyone care about anyone, or are we just in it for ourselves’’. It has been discouraging to say the least.
I am not good and others are not bad. We are all broken. We are all trying to figure it out and after all, life is hard. Life is the big ocean and we are all trying to stay above water and save ourselves. I don’t blame anyone for that. We can't save ourselves, only the cross can do that. Anything else is an exhausting effort in futility.
As sickness has come into my home in many forms and refused to leave, and business situations have been less than ideal, as friends have been few and any amount of confidence even fewer, I have clung tight to a love in the wilderness. I have heard his gentle whisper that he is all and I am small. I have to believe there is something to be learned here is this season of so little. I have to lean into it, discover what is to be learned and head on.
To be honest, I have wanted to give up the things that once made me passionate. I have wanted to throw in many rough and ragged towels. I have been so close. I have battled out an inner dialogue of pros vs cons and cost vs reward. The cost sometimes, is great. The reward sometimes, meager. I am tired. I am weary. I am worn out. But there is still breath in my lungs and the faintest song in my heart singing, “it’s gonna be worth it.” The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can make it. I will make it.
I look up, taking my eyes off myself. I look up and remember his love that saved me and continues to do so. I look up to the rock that is much higher than I. I look up to a father, a friend, a savior, a king who has never lost a battle and I know he won’t lose mine. Find me here, lifting my eyes to the hills. He is my help. He is my portion and reward. If I have him, I have it all.
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