I sat across from Kaleb during our coffee date. I was surprised to hear him say, “You're stronger than I ever realized. I mean, I knew you were tough, but this year I realized how strong you really are.”
I'm not sure why I was taken aback by his statement, as he always encourages and praises me, but I guess I was surprised that he saw what I have felt deep in my soul.
I just smiled and said, “yeah, I feel that.” And I do. I feel like some sort of super warrior people write novels about. I think about where my heart was this time last year and I smile because I have braved the storm. I have championed the battle. I stood tall in the thunder, my faith so much bigger than its roar.
I faced the anxiety, fear, pain, heartache and all the doubt life throws our way all at once all so intensely. And when the fires of fear blazed the hottest, I did not do what I do best. Run. No, instead, I stayed firmly planted in a great hope that holding on would make me stronger.
And it did.
I would never have described myself as a courageous person until this past year. Fear has ruled me my entire life. It has held tightly to every breath I took. This year, I laughed in the face of pain and doubt daring it to knock me down. It did. Over and over, it broke every bone in my already wounded heart but it did not kill me. I fought with every tear, every cry for help, every worship song I screamed at the top of my lungs, every hard no, everything that I let go of that I did not want to let go of, and the battle has been long and costly but worth it.
There is something new alive in me. A boldness that has taken hold of me giving me new life. I am not governed by fear and its fallacy anymore. In truth, my weakness was so great and my heart so barren that only God’s strength could save me and I knew it. With every ounce of stay I could muster, I clung ever so tightly to the cross. I sat there. I cried there. I begged there. I made a vow that I would not leave with the burdens I brought with me. That’s why I write what I write here and now. I am strong because He is strong. I am here to tell the story because He wrote it.
This season in my life took all I had to give. Truthfully, It took more than I was willing to give, but it gave me so many things I didn't know I couldn't live without. It set me free. I am truly thankful. I am truly changed and I am truly stronger than I ever knew and braver than I ever dared believe. Thank you pain. Thank you sorrow, Thank you fear. Thank you Jesus.
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