I look around my bedroom, as I type this, to luxury by any worldly standard. My vacuum cleaner still sitting here from 2 days ago, cost more than some people make in a year in certain parts of the world. The headphones in my ears could feed a child in Haiti for an indefinite amount of time.
And you know what?
None of it makes me happy. None of it fills a void. None of it matters or lasts.
The past two years have been the hardest of my life and that’s a serious statement considering it followed what was at the time, the hardest days of my life. The last two years have been so rich with joy and days I wish could have lasted forever and people I wish had never left my side, but there has been an overarching branch hanging above this season begging me to pick from its vine. I didn't even realize what it was until just here lately: surrender.
I have always craved security. The type 6 in me screams at a high pitch daily. I need money in the bank, a full tank of gas, a retirement plan and life insurance. I need physical arms around me telling me I am loved. I need a shoulder to cry on and a pat on the back. I always have. That is part of who I am. The thought of not having those things weighs on me daily. Almost all of my decisions revolve around it and the thought of losing the safety net leaves me vulnerable, weak and afraid.
But you know what the past two years has taught me?
None of those things satisfy.
None of those things make me whole.
None of those things make me happy or healthy or better.
The money in the bank can’t take away the sadness or anxiety. My retirement plan can’t water my soul. The full tank of gas can’t make me feel loved or known.
This past season has been so long and so brutal. It has come in waves. As soon as I rejoice in its departure, it’s back on the horizon again. The waves keep coming stronger and stronger asking of me, Can I have it all?
With every wave I give up a little more. God, you can have my pride but not my money.
Okay God, You can have some of my money but not all of it.
Okay you can have all my money, but not the people I love.
Okay God you can take the people I love but just not this one person.
Okay take everyone I love but I want my career and my health and my family.
This has been my life for this past agonizing season. My fight for control and security have left me writhing in pain and angst. Living with your fists clenched tight is exhausting and futile. The craziest thing in the world is, I have ZERO control and always have. God takes what he wants and does what he pleases. He has been a gentleman not forcing his will on my controlling ways.
But time is up.
He has let me move the pieces on his board long enough.
My way doesn't work.
His way is better.
Something broke in me recently as I sat crying out to the Lord “ Take it all”. “ It’s yours anyway.” All the money, all the stuff, all the plans, all the dreams, all the accolades, all the people I love, all of it is by him and for him.
Jesus loves us too much to leave us alone. He has to burn away the dross to get to the depth of us sometimes. It's painful and it’s costly. It’s excruciating and tiring and leaves cuts so big and holes so wide.
But do you know what holding on to that which fades does? Prolongs the inevitable. It’s burning whether I want it to or not so why hold on? A false sense of power and control.
It’s not worth it.
But letting go is because He is worth it.
Whatever I lose, whatever he takes when he sets me ablaze with his refining fire, whatever he asks me to lay at the altar like Abraham to his most precious Isaac, whatever the cost-
He is worth it.
If it takes all I have and every last breath in my body, may it be known, my life is for him. My hope is in him. In him I find my way, my hope, my peace.
If he is all I have, I have it all.
I surrender all.
He can have it all.
He is worthy of it all.
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