I will never forget the day I received a text while standing in my kitchen asking, "Are you okay?"
My response: I will be.
I did not believe those words as I typed them. All I could feel was incredible pain. It surrounded me. When I typed back those words, I just hoped against hope that one day, if I carried on, I would be able to respond back "yes" to that question.
My fight for joy has been every single moment of every single day for as long as I can remember. That has not changed. I have learned to accept that it likely never will. Life walked me deep into the valley of isolation at an early age and left me there to my own devices. My devices are worry, doubt, and worst of all, fear. My journey to joy will be life -long, but I can say this past year, joy has peaked its little head into my heart in the very best of ways. I am so thankful.
To me, joy means to be able to enjoy. Life has been going on all around me for so long and I have felt, at times, as if I were watching my life play out in front of me because I couldn't enjoy anything. I was distracted by moments of happiness and pleasure, but I can see now that I was not enjoying. I was trying to control my life, fighting desperately to make it into what I thought it should be. That is hard to enjoy. Trust me. Let go.
This year I set the goal of letting go and letting God, I know. I know so cliche, but it was my mission and I am happy to report that 5 months in(wow! 2019 is almost half way over) that I am doing just that. Little by little I have let go of the way I think it should've been. I have slowly let go of the reigns of my life and handed them over to the Lord, asking him to fill my life with His everlasting joy. He has been faithful to my plea.
The beauty of agony and pain is joy. It is the sunrise after the longest night. It is the fresh rain in the drought. It is the the deepest exhale when you have been holding your breath for so long. I had held my breath for years waiting for suffering fearing it every moment of every day. When suffering comes and goes, fear starts to die. I was afraid to be without money, afraid to be without friends and family. I was afraid to die and afraid to live. I hid it well. I think so many of us do. Joy was all but gone, and left in its place was my constant doing, my busyness, my smile, my yes. That is not joy. That is being a slave to happiness. Chasing it down for just a moment. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes like the morning dew. Joy is forever.
My story will always be marked with pain. Some memories will hurt probably forever and that's okay. It has made every sunset sweeter to me. Every child, more precious a miracle. Every blade of grass beneath my bare feet is now a thousand kisses from God. Life is sweeter to me now. I am done holding my breath. I am going to live and enjoy. Joy is winning me over. It is not letting me go, and I am finally okay. That "I will be" is here.
I looked my biggest fears in the face this year and laughed right at them. I am not afraid to be without anything anymore but Jesus. If I lose it all, I still win. I have let go of what I thought my life should look like or what I wish it could be. It is what it is, and it is a miracle. Every single day is a gift for me to enjoy- even the struggle. He is there. Joy is there, calling my name and I am running towards it with my arms wide open.
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