I think there will always be a sting in my heart when I think back upon certain thoughts of my childhood. There was the pain of not having a loving father or decent man in my home, the pain of being an adult to adults, the pain of trying to hold it together when everything was falling apart at 8, 10, 12, 16 and so on. When no one is there for you in the lowest and most critical parts of your life and childhood, it whispers an ugly awful unworthiness in your ear that even the loudest praises can't drown out.
We learn to live with that feeling of unworthiness. We search for every validation we can find. We live and breathe for social media likes and affirmation. Our heart beats for every praise from every tongue and we crumble under criticism and confrontation. We fight like hell to prove that we matter, that we mean more that we really believe we do. We can't let people down. There's nothing worse to us because when we let you down, then you can see through our cracks. Then you can see that we aren't as great as we so desperately needed you to believe. We needed you to believe we were perfect , that we are worthy of your affirmation.
You see, we need your affirmation to mend a flesh you did not wound. My past scars are not your fault. But if I can win your approval, then it can deafen for one moment the loud screams of my insignificance, the weighty burden of unworthiness. It can ease the exhaustion of people-pleasing that never leaves our side. The unworthiness that we feel is a long dark tunnel and the only light at the end seems to be adoration, praise, and affirmation from everyone all the time.
The reality is that the only light at the end of that tunnel, is to rest deep in the arms and worthiness of Jesus. I constantly feel the war within of my unworthiness and His great worth. I feel my heart break for the little girl in me that was scarred so many years ago who will always fight to feel worthy and lovable. I then remember I am, that we all are so worthy we were died for. We were paid the highest price for on a tree and there is no sin and no shame too great for His love. We are not too far gone. We are not too unclean. The cry of Christ on the cross, " it is finished" is the only cry that can drown out the loudest most painful screams of unworthiness. You are so loved. So known. So worthy.
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